


Torn But Not Broken

by anastiel



Series: Supernatural Codas [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, M/M, basically this conversation needed to happen like ages ago, winchester breakup
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-28
Updated: 2014-10-28
Packaged: 2018-02-22 21:36:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2522618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anastiel/pseuds/anastiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean and Sam have needed to talk about their issues for years and even though it took Dean becoming a demon and almost killing Sam, they're finally talking.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Torn But Not Broken

The door of the bunker bangs open and Sam lumbers through it carrying a large, white paper bag in his left hand. He pushes the heavy door shut with his shoulder and the metal clangs together echoing throughout the cement building. His keys jingle in his pocket as he jogs down the steps, feet pattering loudly against the tiles. He glances up when he reaches the bottom of the stairs and freezes - almost tripping over his feet in the process - when he sees Dean. Dean is just sitting in one of the wooden chairs around the table in the main room with his feet propped up on the surface, flipping through one of the demon books Sam has laying around. He looks completely normal, but for a moment Sam forgets that Dean is Dean again and he almost drops the bag of cholesterol-packed food he has clenched in his hand.

It’s only when Dean looks up from the page he is reading and flashes a happy non-demonic smile and says, “Hey Sammy, you’re back,” that Sam remembers to breathe.

Sam cringes at the, “Sammy.” It will be awhile before he’ll be able to hear his nickname and not remember how the demon version of his brother used it to taunt him.

“Yeah, I’m back,” Sam replies. He crosses over to Dean and sets down the bag in front of him. Sam pulls out the bottle of jack he bought for himself before Dean can grab it, twisting open the top and taking a long swig. It burns going down and he winces at the strength, but it’s good and definitely strong enough. He’s so ready to get drunk.

Dean starts to rifle through the bag, pulling out a bacon cheeseburger, fries and a still slightly warm piece of cherry pie.

“You’re the best, Sam,” Dean says, looking up from the food and grinning at Sam, but his smile fades when he notices the pain etched into Sam’s face.

“I’m sorr-” Dean starts, but Sam holds up his hand to stop him.

“Don’t. We’re not talking about this right now. You’re going to eat your heart attacking inducing food and I’m going to go into the library and get drunk. II’ll tell you when I’m ready to deal with this, okay?” Sam states.

There’s no room for argument, Dean can tell by the tense set of Sam’s shoulders and the hurt flashing in his eyes.

“Okay, it’s on your terms,” Dean says and Sam nods.

“Good, now shut up and eat your food.”

Then he’s gone and Dean doesn’t feel hungry anymore, but he eats anyway because he needs to.

~

A few hours and 3/4 of a bottle of jack later, Sam is drunk. The alcohol swirls around him in a haze, he feels dizzy and extremely tired. Thanks to the alcohol, for the first time in a few months his shoulder doesn’t hurt. He remembers Dean used to tell him that he was a funny drunk, thought tonight, funny wouldn’t be the right word. Angry and relieved with a dash of sadness, would be his drunken state tonight.

Sudden footsteps sound behind him, a slight sigh and some shuffling startle him out of his drunken haze.

“Hey uhm, I’m going to bed now so... just wanted to let you know so you wouldn’t think I disappeared or something,” Dean says softly. He sounds like he’s treading on eggshells, afraid to say something wrong and in reality he kind of is.

Sam doesn’t reply. He hears another sigh and the slight stepping of feet towards the door.

“You tried to kill me,” Sam states bluntly. The footsteps stop.

“I know.”

Sam doesn’t sense Dean holding back so he continues.

“You blamed me for Mom’s death.”

“I know.”

Sam tightens his jaw and sets the bottle down on the table next to him. He turns over his shoulder to look at Dean.

“Why?”

The air is thick with silence, then in a quiet voice Dean replies, “I wanted to hurt you.”

Sam turns away, chuckling coldly, “Well you did a damn good job.”

“Sam,” Dean’s voice breaks and he sounds like he’s on the edge of losing it.

Dean crosses around behind Sam to stand in front of him, face-to-face. Sam won’t look at him, staring off at the far wall in a daze.

“I’m sorry. I know you won’t believe me because it was really me saying and doing those things, but I am. I’m sorry. You know, I remember everything I said, everything I did and the demon in me? He loved it. But me? The real me? I wanted to kill myself the moment I knew what I was and part of me was hoping you’d do it for me so I wouldn’t have to.”

Dean scrubs a hand over his face, “Why didn’t you just fucking kill me Sam?”

Sam raises his eyes to Dean’s, his hand clenches around the neck of the near empty bottle.

“I couldn’t not when there was still a chance of saving you. Would you have killed me?”

“No,” Dean answers automatically.

Sam smiles then, a pained and grotesque smile that makes Dean’s stomach twist.

“That’s not what you said four years ago.”

Dean gapes at him for a moment, floundering for words. When he speaks again it’s in an angry rush.

“I didn’t mean I would actually kill you! You were hopped up on demon blood, I was just frustrated and angry, you know I say things I don’t mean when I’m angry. I could never kill you Sam, come on! You know I’ll always try to save you!”

Sam nods stiffly, “Oh yeah, I forgot you’d rather trick me into being possessed by an angel to save me rather than letting me die in peace like I wanted.”

“Really?! Are we really fucking doing this right now?!”

“Why not?” Sam says, throwing up his hands, “I think this conversation is a bit overdue, don’t you?”

Dean shakes his head, “Sam, you’re drunk.”

“Yeah, well that means I can actually tell you the truth, which demon you already told me.”

“What I said about Mom I didn’t-”

“I’m not talking about Mom, I meant me sucking the life out of your life, the fact that apparently I never had a brother.”

Dean swallows thickly, “Come on, you know I didn’t mean that!”

“Do I? I mean hey, what you said about Dad, that’s all true. I get it Dean. You had to play babysitter, he made you take care of me, made you put me before anything and anyone else. He couldn’t raise me himself so he made you do it. Dad turned you into an adult before your fifth birthday and that was, extremely wrong, you were just a kid. Don’t get me wrong I have fucked up royally and there’s a ton of shit I’ve done that you should be pissed at me for, but that’s on him, that’s not on me.”

Dean sighs, “I didn’t mean to sound like I was blaming you, Sam. I just... You’re my little brother it’s my job to take care of you and that’s all I’ve ever... known.”

“I know and I also know that you still feel like you have to take care of me because it’s been drilled into your brain, but I’m not a little kid anymore, Dean. You don’t have to take care of me, you’re allowed to have your own life outside of me. I’m allowed to have that too. But this thing we keep doing, sacrificing ourselves or using unorthodox methods to save each other because we’re so damn afraid of losing one another? We have to stop.”

Dean grimaces. Sam watches his fist clench at his side and then unclench.

“But,” Dean starts then pauses, searching for words, “But what if I can’t save you?”

“Then you can’t save me.”

Dean flicks his eyes to Sam’s, they’re dark and angry, “So you just fucking expect me to let you die?!”

“Yes.”

Dean turns away, slamming his fist into the nearest bookshelf, “No, I’m not gonna do that.”

Sam shakes his head in frustration, rising to his feet and crossing over to Dean, grabbing the front of his shirt in his fist and spinning him around.

“So what you’re just gonna sell your soul for me again? Then you’ll die and then I’m going to sell my soul to save you and I’m gonna die. It’s a cycle Dean, it keeps repeating and no matter what we do, one of us ends up dead. We keep hurting each other and everyone around us, we have to stop, Dean.”

Dean pushes Sam’s hands off of him and steps back, falling against the bookshelf. He looks like all the strength went out of his body.

“You’re right,” Dean admits finally, looking up at Sam.

Sam lets out a relieved sigh, placing a gentle hand on Dean’s shoulder.

“I’m not saving we should stop saving each other completely, like obviously if something goes after me on a hunt, you’re gonna stop it, but if one of us dies... no more deal, no more contracts, no creepy spells to bring the other back. We will just have to let go.”

“I know, but that ain’t gonna be easy.”

“Of course not, it’s gonna hurt like hell, but we can’t keep doing this.”

“Yeah, I... ,” Dean shakes his head, moving away from Sam and heading towards the door, “No you know what, never mind.”

Sam frowns, following Dean, “What?”

“I just... I just want us to be brothers again.”

“I know, me too.”

Dean glances down at the ground, smiling slightly, “Yeah good, that’s good.”

There’s a beat of silence and Sam doesn’t know what to say. This conversation is far from over, but at least they’ve got a start.

“Hey Sam?” Dean asks softly.

“Yeah?”

“I really am sorry, for everything, for Gadreel, for trying to kill you, for the shit I said, and for everything I’ve fucked up over the years. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I just want you to know -”

Dean’s apology is cut short by Sam pulling him into a crushingly tight hug that punches all the air out of Dean’s lungs. But he wraps his arms around Sam’s back and rests his chin on his little brother’s shoulder and for a moment, they’re okay.

They aren’t fixed, far from it in fact, but this is a step in the right direction.

One day - maybe not next week or even next year, but one day - after they’ve sorted through all their shit, they’ll be okay and they’ll truly be brothers again.


End file.
